Busy times

Life is rushing by again. 4th of July weekend was wonderful fun, and just what the doctor ordered (or would have ordered had I seen one!) We spent the weekend with my friend Marcy and her husband, David. They're in the process of building a summer home on Grand Lake, nearly 2/3rds of the way done. It's going to be a beautiful house. They have a small travel trailer on the land, used to bunk in when they're out there until the house is done.

We arrived Wednesday just after noon. Dropped our camping stuff, pitched the tent, and put on our shorts/t-shirts/swim stuff. David took us out in the boat. I've never been tubing before, but I sure have now! Oh. My. God. What fun! Even for this fat, old lady. hehehehe We played on the lake for a couple of hours, then came back to get cleaned up. I needed a rake to get all the tangles out of my hair!

We headed for the paddle boat, The Cherokee Queen. A one hour trip across and up the lake for the fireworks, while having dinner onboard. Then we sat and visited on the upper outside deck until the fireworks started. Good times, good conversation, and literally hundreds of boats around us! The fireworks display was amazing. 45 minutes of rock my world fireworks! I loved it! So did the kids. David was laughing at me because I was jumping around like a kid. What can I say? I really, really love fireworks!

Headed back home, bunked down for the night, and we were all so exhausted we slept like the dead. Katie never even heard me snoring. LOL The next morning after coffee and breakfast, David took the kids back out on the boat for more tubing. Marcy and I sat quietly visiting, then I went for a hike along the lakeshore alone. Found a couple of hours for some good exercise, quiet thinking, and restoring a bit of my spirit.

We had dinner that night, then turned in early. The next day was a repeat of the day before, except we added birthday cake to the dinner. True to her word, Katie put 50 candles on the damn thing! The pictures are hilarious. You can't see the cake. All you see is this bright blob of light on the table. hehehehe We spent Saturday laying around being bums, and Sunday we headed back home. I so badly needed this time to just feel good. Marcy and I talked some about all that's happened in the last few months. She said she hates seeing me this way, like I'm a shadow of who I used to be. She said she's never known me to be tentative about life. She's right. Where did I go? How the hell did I get like this....this scared of living person isn't me.

She said something that, at first, really made me mad, but the more I thought about it the more I realized she said for just that reason, to make me mad. She asked me, "When the hell are you going to stop running and start fighting back again, Cate?" I've thought about that a lot in the last week. I understand what she's saying. I'm just afraid. Jess managed to pretty much destroy what was left of what little dignity I still had. All that crap at work. Losing my job. Hanging by a thread for so long.

Now? Now I find myself trying to stay under the radar, be invisible. I don't want anyone to notice me. I don't want anyone to....be in my space. I've hunkered down to where it's pretty much just me and the kids all the time. On occasion I see Marcy but not often. No one else. I've lost touch with all my friends here. I've lost a lot of things.

The hard part is trying to figure out how to get back to where I was. Or maybe how to get to a better place than I was at before? Or maybe how to figure out if I even want to?

Does any of that make sense?