Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I kept hearing that in my head all afternoon. "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" I remember that show from when I was a kid. The space family. The robot who warned the kid whenever danger was near.

I met this woman online not too long ago. Emails exchanged. She lives locally. Seemed pretty nice. We had a lot in common. Still, those walls I've built stayed intact. Didn't give out my phone number. Didn't tell her where I lived. Lessons learned in the past stayed firmly at the forefront of my mind. Don't let anyone in. Not really. You can be nice, be friendly, be cordial, but don't let anyone close. Remember, always remember, what it was like when she destroyed all you had and were.

Still, we talked. Surface stuff mostly. Jobs, kids, interests. Nothing too intense. Nothing really personal. Yet I was drawn to her. Nothing I could really put my finger on, but something kept drawing me to her. A couple of days ago we got to talking about churches. She was telling me about the church she attends, I mentioned that I'd stopped going to church a couple of years ago. My faith is still very much a part of who and what I am, shaky though it may be at times. But still, it's there. He's there, always. I know that. However, the church I'd been attending wasn't too happy with me when I divorced, even less happy when I told them my new partner was a woman. I wasn't welcome there any longer. OK. I can talk to God without a middleman, guys. I don't need you or this place. I left.

She told me about her church, invited me to come there if I wanted to. She thought I would like it a lot. I hemmed and hawed. We'd never met face to face, never talked on the phone, never even exchanged pictures. Remember, I was in "hunker down and protect" mode and had been for a while. Saturday night I told her I might be there, I wasn't sure. Saturday night I slept really badly. Tossed and turned, up and down. I finally fell asleep shortly after 5:30 am, which was the last time I looked at the clock. I woke at 8:30 to an email from her, saying she hoped she'd see me. Oh boy. Not much sleep, a pounding headache, and lots of fear. The best way to put myself out there. Not!

Coffee poured into me, 4 Advil on board for the headache, one shower and some light makeup later, I ironed a blouse, finished dressing, and headed out the door. Don't ask me why. Something was drawing me there. I decided to trust that "something."

I walked into the place, told the usher lady that I was looking for someone named Dee. She pointed her out to me. I walked over, she jumped up with this huge grin on her face, shook my hand, said she was really glad I came. She introduced me to a few friends, we settled down for the service.

The service. I really enjoyed the service. There are a number of same sex couples in the congregation. Imagine that! In Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'll be damned! Sitting there, I kept trying to pin it down. She was familiar. I'd seen her somewhere before and couldn't figure it out. Then it hit me. I turned to her and said, "I know you. I know I know you. But I'm not sure if I'm right about where I know you from." She looked at me, puzzled. I smiled. "Edison. I know you from Edison. My kids go to school there." She grinned. Yep, I was right. She used to be a security guard at my kids school. She doesn't work there anymore but that's where she was the first time I saw her.

She works for the City now, as a welder and small-engine repair tech in the Water Department. This is her "second retirement" job. She retired from her first career in Michigan 7 years ago. She froze her pension, travelled a while, settled here in 2000. She's a carpenter, welder, jack of all trades type woman. She doesn't know my kids, but she said that's a good thing. Working at the school for a couple of years, she only got to know the kids who got in trouble. This is a good thing. She doesn't know my kids because they're good kids.

After the service, she invited me to her house for coffee. Um. OK. I think that might be good. I followed her car, she lives about 15 miles from me, about 10 from the church. She invited me in. 2 dogs, 3 cats. LOL This is good. The house is small, but neatly kept. Her artwork is all over the walls. She's a woodworker, and a damn good one. Beautiful art. Small cut-out scenes, stained and varnished, then mounted on logs or big pieces of branches. She's good.

Tall glasses of ice water and we sat and talked. Oh. My. God. We talked for 3 hours. Everything and anything under the sun. We laughed. Often. There's so much we have in common; likes and dislikes, interests, passions, beliefs about relationships.

The walls are cracking. I think I'm in trouble. The walls are cracking. I worked so damned hard to erect those walls.

I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm terrified. And yet, I am so drawn to her.

I have to be out of my freaking mind.