Nothing like jumping in with both feet, Cate

Well, I've never been one to procrastinate when it comes to relationship issues so I jumped in with both feet. Here's hoping I haven't screwed everything up.

I decided that, since Andy's away on a BS camping trip, I would take the opportunity to lay it all out there to him. He came for his Saturday visit (in fact, he's still here, in the living room with Katie). They spent an hour or so messing with her bike, and then I sent her off to the store for groceries. Yeah, it could have waited but hell, it's now or never.

I put on a pot of coffee, bummed a smoke from him (yep, fell of the friggin wagon, Deb), and said, "We need to talk." He got that deer in the headlights look. I hate it when he does that. Like I'm going to beat him up or something. As if I could. No, actually I think it's that he knows I'm about to lay some hard stuff on the table and he's going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

I sat on one couch, he sat on the other, and I laid it all out on the line. I talked for like an hour or so. I asked him first how he was doing, how he was feeling, and I really listened to the answer. No sense in doing this if he's not connected to reality very well. Then I told him we need to talk about the kids. Actually we need to talk about you and the kids, your relationship with them and theirs with you.

I told them how the kids have been feeling about his visits, how they're feeling and reacting to spending time with him, what I think and feel about how little effort he puts into relationships with his children. I wasn't mean about it, but I didn't sugar coat it either. When I was done, I listened to what he said in response. I told him some of it was valid and, to be honest, some of it was pure bullshit, him copping out and taking the easier route because it's the least effort.

Then I told him he could take what I'd said, think about it, decide what he wanted to do about it. But he also needed to know this was the last time I was going to try to help, try to do anything to mediate. I told him your daughter will be off to college in a year and a half, your son in three and a half. If you haven't figured out how to rebuild that bridge by then, it's not going to be built. I told him if they get to the point where they are really resisting spending time with him, I'm not going to force them. It's up to him to try, to make the effort. Call them during the week, write them a letter and drop it in the mail, send them a card. Hell, send them a damn email, it doesn't cost anything. But this was the end as far as I'm concerned. You make it or break it with them on your own, buddy. You were a fantastic Dad when they were really small. But they don't remember those days much. You can't ride on that carpet for the rest of their lives. It's what you do now that matters. And if you're not there for them now, they'll be gone from your life for good before you know it. It's up to you.

I hate this shit. I feel like his mother. I hate it! But for them, anything. Whatever they need, anytime, anywhere.

She got back from the store about 1/2 hour ago. They're sitting in the living room, talking quietly. I'm trying to stay out of the way. OK, I'll tell the truth. I'm sitting here shaking. That's how much I hate this crap.