Things that make me go hmmmm....

There's this place I hang out on the 'net', a lesbians forum. I watched for a long, long time before I ever decided to participate. Even now, I don't post much. Partly lack of time, partly my own hesitance at sharing my thoughts and feelings, partly because there's much that I don't understand that goes on there. It's a mostly younger crowd. They listen to music I don't know, talk about places I've never been to, experiences I've never shared. Mostly I just read, learn, take what I need from there and try to leave the rest.

But there is one thing there that really bothers me. There's so much anger in them sometimes, mostly toward women who wander in trying to talk about their confusion regarding their sexuality. Granted, most of those women are married and are trying to figure out their feelings toward other women and considering a relationship outside of their marriage. I understand, to some degree, the inability to empathize with that attitude. I struggled for years to hold my marriage together, because of the commitment I'd made to him, to myself, to our children. The loyalty to that commitment may have been misplaced. Still, it was a huge part of who I was and I had to find my own way toward letting go of it. No one had the right to tell me what to do, although many tried.

Yet, the women on this forum rage, literally rage, at women who come in and talk about looking beyond their own relationships with their husbands. I've read their responses over many months, and they rarely change. Some woman stumbles in, posts a question about how do I find out about my feelings about women, how do I go about learning about relationships between women, how do I explore my own sexuality (most with the notation that their husbands are aware of and supportive of their desires and/or curiosity); the responses are invariably one of a few:

"Hire a hooker."

"Don't forget to tip her well."

"Get the **** out of here, bitch! Go back to your legally sanctioned marriage!"

Usually one of the above, or some variation thereof.

Is that what it's all about? The anger? Is it about those women being able to marry and lesbians cannot? I wasn't cognizant of my own sexuality to really have to fight for it for many years. When I came out my marriage was already over, he was out of the house, the divorce was just a few weeks from being final. My friends accepted me readily. I had no family to speak of, other than the kids, so no one like that to get upset about my choices. The kids accepted it well, it was my choice of partners that they objected to. Having been married for nearly 17 years, I know it's really not all that it's cracked up to be. A piece of paper that legitimizes someone treating you like you're nothing more than an object is nothing to fight for.

The benefits? Let's see. We both worked and carried our own health insurance, so that was never an issue. We paid taxes up the wazoo (yes, that's a word!) so being married was absolutely NO benefit to us there. I can't speak to the benefits of being a party to decision making and such when your spouse falls ill. My only experience with illness with him was his bipolar diagnosis. At that time, strangely enough, HIPAA kicked in and they would tell me literally nothing, all for the sake of protecting his privacy. This despite the fact that the man had physically injured me badly, I had two small children at home to keep safe, and the powers that be expected me to take said man home with me from the hospital BEFORE his meds were in his system long enough to be effective. Just one defect that no one considered before making HIPAA law.

Sometimes I read/listen to those women and I can't help thinking, you have no idea how lucky you are. Stop fighting for something that's truly not worth fighting for. You don't need the government's sanction to love someone, to commit to someone. If you really love her, that's all that matters. Well, that and the fact that you better make sure she really loves you too.

Hmmmmm....ok, done thinking out loud. Time to go fold laundry. Such an exciting life I lead.