12 Hours 44 minutes 38 seconds

I've smoked since I was 12 years old. It's what kids did to be cool in New York City. My mom didn't care so why should I? She never said don't. She never threatened discipline. No one did.

Here I am 36 years later, and I can't tell you how many literally hundreds of times in the last 5 years I've wished I could quit, wanted to quit, did quit only to start again. The only times I successfully quit for any length of time were the two times I was pregnant. Put them down the day I found out, picked them up again shortly after the baby was born.

I've used every excuse under the sun. Stress, weight gain, stress, my ex-husband, stress, my ex-girlfriend,did I mention stress? LOL Smoking is my crutch. It's what I use to keep my temper from blowing, to keep myself from overeating, to keep my hands busy, to occupy my mind and push away thoughts I can't handle when they come too close.

Yet, more and more in the last few months, I've realized how much I hate smoking. The taste. The smell. The way I'm short of breath. The cost. The crutch of it.

I ran out of cigarettes this morning on the way to work. Katie's taking the car after dropping me off so she can get Andy to band practice in the early mornings. Then she picks me up when they're out of school. I'm not allowed to smoke on the hospital grounds, no one is. If I wanted to smoke, I had to get in my car and drive off the grounds. No car, no driving, no smoking.

I chose not to stop for smokes on my way to work this morning. I didn't get them on the way home either. We stopped for groceries, makings for lunches, but I didn't buy any. I wanted to. I thought about it. Then I wondered, what if I don't? What if I just don't buy them? I can always choose to later if I change my mind. But what if, just for now, I don't? So I didn't.

I found this online, and found it pretty entertaining. I like measuring small successes. It's that OCD component of mine. LOL



I may change my mind tomorrow. Decide it's too hard. Decide I don't want to. But I get to choose. Every day. Every minute. I get to choose. I hope I choose not to.