Instructions to medicate your cat

This is a list. For the future. Lest I forget.

How to put meds into Puff Ringo:

Required:

1. Three adult sized humans

2. A bowl of shredded beef cat food, and a couple of blobs of cheese

3. A syringe

4. A bowl of water

5. Two bath sheet size extra thick towels

6. One heavy duty, extra thick, super duper pair of work gloves

7. An evening to waste

Puff Ringo acquired her third case of tapeworms recently. I noticed yesterday. Picked up the meds today on my way home from work. I've done this with her before. It is never fun. For either of us. She ends of up extremely pissed. I end up extremely bloody. Why this stuff doesn't come in liquid form, I have no idea. Probably because it was invented by a dog person who has not the slightest clue what the hell it takes to shove meds down a cat's throat. But, hey! The last two times I had to do it alone. This time, I have help! It'll be easier!

It takes one and a half pills to dose her. The pills are large. Puff is not. So I break them into quarters. Yes, I know. I am an ass. That means I have to put my fingers in her mouth six - yes, I said six - times. She's pretty pissed after the first time. The other five I'm just asking for trouble.

I start off hoping I can fool her. I put 1/4 of a pill into a couple of tablespoons of cat food. She eats all the way around it. Of course. I try molding some cheese around the 1/4 of a pill hoping she'll scarf it down and not notice. She spits the meds out. Swallows the cheese. This cat is smart. I forgot. This is the one who plays fetch with pipe cleaners rolled up in a ball, like a damn retriever!

OK, time to get determined. I wrap her in a bath towel, holding the closed part under her chin. The idea is to a) hold her still and b) keep her from ripping me to shreds with her claws. I tell Andy hold her gently, but firmly and no matter what, DO NOT LET GO! I pry her jaw open, drop 1/4 of a pill down the back of her throat, hold her jaw closed, and gently stroke her neck while encouraging her to swallow. She is growling in the back of her throat. I hold her like that for a good 2 to 3 minutes. When I let go, she spits the pill out. And hisses at me. Andy gets scared and lets go. The cat escapes. Of course.

I crawl my rather rotund ass under the bed to pull her out and try again. And again. And again. By now, her back legs are shredding the towel, so we get a second one. She is trying to bite me so I put on gloves. I finally hit on the idea of using a small syringe of water, squirted into the side of her mouth while I'm holding her jaw closed, to make her swallow.

Worked like a charm. I got the first 3 down. Now she's REALLY pissed off. Andy loses his courage and bails. Katie takes his place. She offers to put the pill in the cat's mouth, but has second thoughts once she sees those lovely sharp fangs. Still, she's a more faithful assistant. She doesn't let go when Puff hisses and growls.

When we were finished we carried her outside and let her go. No way I'm letting a cat that is THAT pissed off loose in my house to terrorize the rest of them. She came back a couple of hours later, walked by my desk, swiped at my shin with a claw, curled up on my bed, and is sleeping. She'll probably bite me in the middle of the night.

But she won't have tapeworms anymore!